I decided 6 years ago that I was going to take a gap year and go to Africa. I am the type of person that, once I have decided to do something, I will do everything in my power to make it a reality (with similar single-minded focus as a wild animal stalking it’s prey). I wanted to go and make a difference to orphans – but when it came down to it i had no expectations of MY life being transformed –  whether that was because I hadn’t given much thought to it or I just freaked out at all the things people told me to expect and just shut down, I’m not sure. But I never imagined such a monumental shift in myself; so big that I would feel like my heart had been made over and extended.

I have heard the stories of people coming back from trips and it changing their life, but I guess I couldn’t quite comprehend that it really happened like that. Maybe I thought they were exaggerating, or just on a high and that it would wear off as they settle back into reality. Maybe I just thought they were the slightly insane and very overenthusiastic Christian type who go up to strangers on public transport, shove bibles in their faces and share how Jesus intervened in their darkest time.

The ironic thing is that now I am one of those people and I know full well that people at home can’t quite understand how going to live with HIV/AIDS orphans in Africa for a few months can turn your world up side down. “Yes, you’ve done a lovely thing, done your bit for those poor people in poverty and now you can carry on with your life and go and follow the safe and accepted path to success.” is what they say (I’m paraphrasing here). I can see it in people’s eyes when they ask me about it – it’s not that they don’t care, but really they just want to hear you enjoyed yourself, see a few photos if you’re lucky and then move onto the next thing. I can’t blame them, I’m sure I’ve done the same to those people I previously thought were crazy.

The problem is in our culture it is all about self-preservation. We do everything we can to avoid being vulnerable. We put our relationship status’ as ‘complicated’ on Facebook because if we commit our hearts might be broken. If I’d have realised how deeply I would be affected, I may have decided that it would be easier for nothing to change. It’s the polar opposite of what makes sense to us. It takes courage to love fully and completely without holding anything back when you know it can’t last. The truth is – like with any relationship – when you have to leave people you love your heart is broken and it is painful. But the way I have learned to love people has been redefined in the last few months.

After experiencing life in vibrant and vivid colour in a way I never even knew existed coming back to normal life seems dull, like the brightness has been turned down. But at least I have had a taste of life in technicolour, and now I won’t settle for less than living a life of adventure, filled with travelling and most of all love. The heartache of leaving the place and people I had grown so attached to is mixed with hope for the future and happiness that I have so many memories from the last 6 months.

The thing that scares me most is how easy it is to fall back into the same everyday routine. Most things are so familiar and natural. But it feels like I’m on autopilot. It’s easy to put on the smiles, share the experiences and pretend to settle back in but inside I feel numb. Trying to somehow carry on when part of me is missing.

The feeling of complete and whole contentment while I was away took me by surprise. I felt at peace internally. Oneness. It reminds me of the bracelets we taught the children to make. With every knot – every interaction, every smile, every conversation, every moment – the threads (our lives) become entwined and we are bound closer together. You become united with these people who you were once unaware of, their struggles become your struggles. The problem is when your life collides with someones and they find their way to your heart it then becomes internal. And that is not easy to remove.

Luckily the God who was in control for the last 6 months in South Africa, is still in control back home in rainy England. He is constant (Malachi 3:6). The God who gave me the opportunity to love those wonderful children in Pietermaritzburg has great plans for my future  (Jeremiah 29:11). When I ask God to ‘break my heart for what breaks yours’, I also know that he is a God who ‘binds up the brokenhearted’ (Psalm 147:3). And through all the difficulties and pain of coming home, I can be sure of one thing  – I don’t want anything less than to live ‘life in all it’s fullness’ (John 10:10). And I can say with confidence I have never felt fuller or more alive.