‘I think that playing dress up begins at age five and never truly ends.’ – Kate Spade

Whether it’s fireman hats, giraffe ears or fairy wings there is something magical about playing dress up. We have pictures of me and my sister when we were tiny in princess dresses and clip-on earrings (and even videos of me dancing round in ridiculous outfits when I was much older, but we won’t mention them…). I suppose when you’re small the idea of being grown up is appealing – wearing your Mum’s high heels and lipstick and feeling sophisticated, not like the little one. It’s funny how now I still love dressing up, but for the opposite reason; it makes me feel childish again, free of worrying about what people think.

‘Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.’

While being here I have been learning a great deal about the importance (or non-importance which I am not sure is even a word) of earthly achievements. I have always been a people pleaser. People’s opinions of me matter, they affect me however much I tried to be indifferent about them. I am the girl who can’t say ‘no’ because she doesn’t want to upset people, I’m the one who has to shave her legs just to go walk the dog and who will lie awake wondering if I said something wrong. I have always been myself but I based my self worth on people’s opinions and my own achievements.

But, you aren’t ever going to be able to please everyone. Please hear me, because it has taken me years to realise this. But does it even matter? If we are living to please others we are always going to be disappointed. Earthly things are ALWAYS going to be temporary – they will let us down – there are no exceptions.

Matthew 6:19-21 talks about storing up treasure in heaven. And the only way we can do this is having our priorities in the right order. I was told the other day that this means we need to be more concerned about peoples souls, than their friendship. That is true love right there. Being willing to risk losing valued friendship by sharing, because saving them for eternity is worth the risk that they will reject you. What an adventure we are challenged to. What courage we must have.

It has taken me living in Africa for five months to be able to reduce the time I take to look presentable from 1 hour, to ten minutes. I can now throw on jeans and a t-shirt, pull my hair back and walk out the door without being self conscious all day. But it is a much deeper change than just my appearance. I now feel so much bolder sharing my faith with others, without the fear of them judging me. In fact I know people will judge me, but so what? God is the ultimate judge at the end of the day.

It has been incredible having the opportunity to evangelize in the broken community of Sweet-waters. As well as equipping me to share my faith, it is one of the most emotional experiences I have been blessed with here. As well as providing medical advice and treatment and reading scripture and praying for the patients on Thursday, we were gently encouraged (or more pushed) to share our personal testimonies with them. This is something I have never done before, or in fact even thought about and it made me completely and utterly uncomfortable. Saying that, it was an incredibly touching and rewarding moment. Out of the three patients; one became a Christian, and two were moved to tears.

‘The effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is.’

Knowing you are having an impact on someone’s life is probably the best feeling people can have – influencing, inspiring and helping them change for the better. Leaving parts of yourself with people is something that won’t be forgotten.

Everyday we get to live knowing we are in a powerful position to affect 41 kids futures and lives. The improvements we have seen in the kids academically from when we first arrived is crazy looking back. I guess you don’t notice the little steps they are taking when every day is a tedious frustrating time of struggling through homework or reading group. But then you remember when they didn’t even understand that adding was making the number bigger and now they can do their two times table. Or when they could hardly sound out letters, let alone read a word and now they can read books to you (they may be easy, short books but at least they don’t read everything in one monotone with massive gaps between each word anymore!)

I have been surprised at how emotionally invested I have become in some of the kids and their education. To the point where, when one of the boys failed his Maths test the other day I was actually disappointed. Because I know what he is capable of, and he was better than that score showed. I guess that just shows how much I love them and want the best for them…

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Sometimes to me it doesn’t even feel like we are in Africa, because of how westernised a lot of areas are. But then we drive into Sweet Waters where the poverty is impossible to ignore; those are the pictures that come to people’s minds when they think about mission work in Africa. The mud huts with corrugated roofs and dusty, bumpy roads. Load shedding is something that people have to plan for here. Having no electricity for sometimes a couple of hours a day can really interrupt your life. You have to think about the food in the fridge, how cold it’s going to be, whether it will be dark and if things are charged. Luckily normally at Tabitha we avoid regular load shedding. However the last week we have been learning to live without water. If you have experienced life without water you will know how much this affects – no water to drink, no water to flush the toilets, no water to shower, no water to wash your hands or brush your teeth, no water to wash the dishes. This is bad enough but living with 41 kids and no water is stinking to say the least. It’s a funny life sometimes, we have almost unlimited access to WiFi but no water, there is something wrong with that picture!

It’s craziness to me that we have been away for almost five months. I still imagine England to be in February, like when I left, as if time might stand still because I’m not there to see the changes in seasons and weather. But no, it’s June and it’s summer at home even though it’s now winter here (although it’s still mid twenties during the day just cold at night). I have never been away from home for this long before but surprisingly there hasn’t been any time where I have been so homesick that I wanted to leave. I do have moments though. Some nights I look at the stars and it reminds me how far away I am from home. It’s a strange thought knowing I’m halfway across the world. I guess because the internet can make communication so easy, even if you are thousands of miles away. Mostly though it’s people I miss. It’s a challenge to spend such a long period away from the people you love most. I would never be able to do it without the amazing friendships I have been blessed by in the team. I can’t imagine living without these girls now. I also really understand the saying ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’ now.

Thomas has told me that I definitely win the intern who has received the most mail here. There is something so intimate and personal about getting letters when you are this far from home. It doesn’t matter what is written; its just the thought that someone has put into sending it, and that it’s something that has come all those miles that you can hold. My wonderful friends back home sent me a surprise parcel with sweet things they know I love and miss. My thoughtful Mum has sent us Team Tabitha treats and the cutest cards. My lovely Grandparents have sent me letters with newspaper cuttings to keep me up with news from home. The best part of getting these is that I never expect them. I guess being away this long is a real test of friendship and I am so lucky to have the people I do in my life. Thank you for reminding me that I am loved and missed, encouraging me to keep going and always putting a smile on my face. (Okay the soppy and sentimental part is over, I promise).

So we have brought ‘workout Wednesdays’ to Tabitha…well kind of. I have been running the kids PE lessons from 12:30-2:30 every week. As most of you can guess this has been a major highlight for me. It has been amazing seeing them engage and improve. I quite often get kids coming up to me on a Wednesday morning with shining eyes asking ‘Are we doing sport today?’. Recently the girls have been running Zumba while I run fitness and football so the kids get to choose. I was so happy that I could pass all of the kids when doing their report marks for PE the other day. Now the boys are able to hold the plank for 30 seconds, do ten sit ups (well most of them) and (struggle through) 3 push ups. I have never seen so much energy in such small children, and they are so easy to please – just give them a ball and they are happy to kick it around! Discipline and control is a work in progress…

We have learnt while being here that basically anything we do, the kids find hilarious. So we decided to volunteer ourselves to do one of the Friday morning assemblies, i.e. Throwing away any dignity we had left and making a fool of ourselves in front of everyone. I think we actually showed our budding theatrical talent in our modern interpretation of The Good Samaritan and we might even be signing a record deal with a music company after our awesome rapping (okay maybe I’m exaggerating). In all honestly it was absolutely terrible but the kids loved every second and that’s all that matters right? Oh, the things we do for them.

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There are approximately 153 million children who live as orphans; that does not include millions of ‘social orphans’ who live in institutions or on the streets. These were just some of the statistics we heard at the Secret Church event we attended last Friday night. Secret Church is a six hour event where thousands of Christians gather to study the Word and identify with our persecuted brothers and sisters. Personally I think it is incredible that even though the Western mindset (that says that it should be okay for everyone to believe what they want) is being pushed in todays culture, people avoid the fact that thousands of Christians are being tortured and killed horrifically just for what they believe. Maybe because they think it is somehow not relevant to them or maybe just because it is an uncomfortable thought. Christ, culture and a call to action. I found myself leaving feeling completely different and passionate about controversial topics…

“Orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they are not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.”

Hearing David Platt talk about orphan care was one of those times where you can’t explain what you’re experiencing until you hear the way someone else has so eloquently put it, but with every word they say you find yourself wondering if they can read your mind. I can’t describe how true those words are for me now. Included in the 153 million children living as orphans are 41 precious children living at Tabitha Ministries who have filled my heart, taught me to love like I never knew I could and who brighten every day with their smiles.

‘We care for orphans not because we are rescuers, but because we are the rescued.’

Those 41 children don’t always make it easy for me. But that’s how we keep going when those orphans aren’t the cute picture we imagined, when they are crazy hard to love and those days when you feel like you can’t make a difference.

I think I will still be chewing over some of the things we heard for months to come but I can honestly say it was one of the most rewarding and challenging things to be a part of.

I had never been to a circus before Thursday. It’s the type of thing that reminds me of those moments in movies. The same as carnivals. With the rides and the lights and the stalls with bad-for-you-but-delicious foods. And the atmosphere where everyone seems to be laughing with their friends. So when I found out the circus was coming to town and we were going to take the kids I was more excited than them!

I suppose it could be one of those situations where the reality of the experience is a disappointment compared to the expectations. But I can honestly say that I had the best time, and so did the kids judging by how loud their laughter was at the clowns and how dramatic their gasps were at the acrobatics. There was a tightrope and a motorcycle riding round a metal ball and the trapeze and animals that did tricks (camels and goats and dogs) and equestrian acrobatics and juggling and there were snow cones and candy floss. The kids massive smiles with their lollipops and them going up to dance in the ring at the end made me so happy.

There is a Royal Show annually here every year. There is no royalty now South Africa is not part of the Commonwealth anymore but I guess they don’t wanna drop the title of the show because they must like the heritage. We felt we had to experience the Royal Show in South Africa though…I feel like we Brits owe it to the Queen or something?! We got to see a sheep being sheared and evil looking white rabbits with red eyes and funny looking birds which could be dusters cause they have feathers as feet. We managed to scavenge all the available testers at the food stalls. We also got the legit carnival type experience – we screamed and sang loudly on rides and ate corndogs (first time I have tried this American invention and it’s better than a hotdog in my book). There are so many little moments here where I start to understand the saying ‘makes the heart happy’ because I feel so light and free inside, and genuinely content. However cheesy that sounds now I’ve written it down.

The other evening I spent half an hour on the trampoline with Siya and Futhi. That short time spent jumping and laughing until we couldn’t breathe was so precious. It is a rare occasion that we are able to spend quality time with just one or two of the kids, but when we get them it is amazing to be able to have more significant conversations and really get to know who the kids are. We also got to take the toddlers out of the Tabitha gates as we got a donation specifically to take them on an outing. Taking them on the play-park and giving them Happy Meals was awesome – we found out that some of them were too scared to even go down the slide, that most of them didn’t like burgers, and I never even knew it was possible to suck the tomato ketchup off a chip so many times without it disintegrating!

I love how there is always something new going on here, that there is so much we can be involved in – it is totally me, always having something to fill my time up with. Our latest excitement has been starting up a Bible Club for the kids in Sweetwaters who were bored while Thomas runs the Bible study for the teenagers. This all started with the sprout of an idea, and we expected the first week to just be a max of 5 kids who knew about it from their older brothers and sisters. What we hadn’t experienced was how quickly word spreads in the community. That first week we had 36 kids show up which totally blew preparations out of the water (we had brought 10 lollipops thinking that would be way too many…awkward). Now we will see how much it multiplies in the next few weeks.

We have had a team of 11 pretty incredible Texans here for 10 days. We were so blessed by everything they did while they were here; whether it was putting locks on the toilet doors (so we actually get some privacy), helping us out with Toddler school in the morning so we could have a bit of a rest, or bringing education resources for the school and training us up in how best to teach and progress the kids. It never fails to amaze me how people can come with servant hearts and put everything into supporting and making a difference to both kids and staff. I really am grateful for how much I took away from their stay, let alone what an impact they made on all the children.

So just incase you wanted another example of how I was mentioning ‘African Time’ a couple of posts ago, we went to Durban yesterday to go and watch South Africa vs Gambia in soccer which was supposed to kick off at 3pm. We had a great pub lunch in an Irish (just for Molly) pub and were ready for the action, only to reach the stadium to find that the game had been postponed four hours because the officials weren’t there yet. Where else would that be okay? Actually though it was a nice afternoon just spending time together, walking to the beach and getting ice-cream (just fyi in my opinion ice-cream always makes any situation better). We cheered for the Bafana Bafana’s and although it was a disappointing 0-0 score and no thrills game I had a great day. Just goes to show that sometimes sticking to plans isn’t the be all and end all!

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‘Having influence is not about elevating self, but about lifting others.’ – Sheri Dew

So, they say you shouldn’t have favourites but if we are honest there are always some kids who you connect with in a different way to the others. It is now June (that is crazy) and during the four months we have been here we have had the privilege of getting to know the individuality and identity of each child here and building personal relationships with them. Each of us has shared the story of a particular child who has had an impact on us. Hopefully this will give you an insight into some of the kids, the issues we face and the improvements we are being blessed enough to see…

Brian is not often one of the favourites but he is one of mine. It took almost three weeks of shyness and lots of games of football until he started smiling and talking to me – I never would have imagined that four months later he would regularly make me laugh at his funny facial expressions, that we would have deep conversations about life and that I would have seen such a change in him. When you come somewhere like this you have to get to grips with the fact that you can’t fix everything all at once. You ARE making a difference, but I have learnt that you see it in tiny steps forward in everyday lives, in the little things that aren’t always obvious from the outside. Brian used to isolate himself and get angry easily. Now he is the first one outside with me with a ball, he wants to practise his left foot so he can ‘be one of the best players’ – which he is not far from being now. He now ignores the kids teasing him rather than getting in fights and he (most of the time) won’t go along with bad influences and peer pressure. He is getting better at focussing in class (although it’s still a working progress) and we spend time every afternoon making up silly actions so he can remember his memory verse. He is the one kid I can rely on not to be insulting me one minute and loving me the next. We have had so many conversations which actually make me think about things – zulu people, England, what we want to do in the future and what God thinks about tattoos. And I look forward to seeing his big goofy smile every day. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not under the illusion he is now an angel (however perfect he is around me) and there are so many improvements that still need to be made. But there is something crazy beautiful about being able to influence his life by being there with him every single day through the ups and downs and seeing how much he grows and matures.

Angry, isolated and irresponsive. These words describe the person Khetiwe used to be. The person she was when we first arrived. Refusing to speak and interact with other kids, hitting, spitting and screaming whilst constantly digging her nails into her face and legs causing bleeding. This child has issues no grown adult should have to deal with never mind a 2 year old. It breaks my heart when she’s in one of her manic modes but nothing compares to seeing, knowing and experiencing the person she is today. The one who has the biggest, brightest smile. The one who says sorry even when it’s not her fault. The one who dances, sings, laughs and actually plays with other kids. The one whom I love beyond all comprehension. Khetiwe.

Sammy is so full of joy. From the second we arrived, she made me smile so much. She is such fun to be around and her laughter is contagious. After many tickle fights, and spending so much time just chatting and joking around with her it is so lovely to see a child happy, especially one who has been through what she has. It kills me however, to see the other side of her, which is miserable to say the least. There are times when she will shut herself off, not speaking to anyone about why she’s upset. The look on her face is so hard for me to see – the look of fear and shame. There have been a couple of times even during our stay here where she has tried to run away. We don’t know for sure why she tried to, it could be just because she wanted to visit her friend from school, or it could be more serious. Either way, for a nine year old girl with a backpack on, wandering alone outside here is extremely dangerous. We are glad that she hasn’t tried to leave for a while, and thankful that each time she did try, she didn’t get far. It is so upsetting to know that she is going through so much inside yet not be able to get any response as to what might be going on and so feeling completely helpless. There are issues between the girls here with bullying, and Sammy is very much a victim of that. This has a lot to do with why she has moments of distress and worry. Being submissive to the abusive speech and actions directed at her has led her to treat the younger girls in a similar way – not surprising as it is all she knows and doesn’t know how to cope with it and also doesn’t really have a choice in the matter if that is what she has been told to do. Being scared of other children and what they might do if you don’t do what they say is not what this place is about at all. It pains me to see incidents like this going on, especially when we can see so obviously how happy this girl is the rest of the time and that she could be like that all the time if everything was as it should be. Sammy never fails to brighten my day and has me in fits of laughter. I really hope and pray that this beautiful girl, my new “best friend” would be able to use her joy for good, and would be able to be an example to others – the real her shining through. In the last couple of months that we are here it would be so great to see her standing up for herself and becoming more confident in who she is, showing care and compassion to others – using what she has been through for the better rather than letting it wrongly influence the way she is around other children.

Khule came to Tabitha when he was two years old, having been found abandoned in Sweetwaters and roaming the streets with stray dogs. From day one Khule was one of the kids I clicked with most. From day one, there’s always one kid that you click with the most, that one child that holds your heart a little bit tighter. And that was Khule. Spending literally 24/7 with him meant within no time I got to truly know him, including discovering his many struggles, attention seeking difficulties and anger issues. As I got to spend more and more time with him he began to play up more often, taking out his anger and frustrations on me and, whilst it would have been so easy to give up on him and focus on someone who will appreciate what you do for them, the love that had grown in me towards him motivated me to love him and help him all the more. For the past four months I’ve persevered to show him unconditional grace, love and forgiveness just as Jesus does for us. Khule is such a funny, loving, caring, bright child with so much potential, and he makes me so proud when I see him heading in the right direction. He has become like a little brother to me, one of my go-to’s when I need a good laugh, my little sidekick or clingy shadow at times. I would spend a lot longer than six months investing in him if I could. He is by far one of the kids I am going to find hardest to leave.

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